...mhm...

lost

2012-02-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

To Be Honest,

I feel lost.

I have something that feels like it is slowly slipping away. As much as I try to grasp it, it just never stays.

I'm getting to the point where I want to give up. But do I want to sacrifice it for a possibility of something better coming up? Or do I just push through the pain and deal with it?
It's just the thought of not having it there that scares me.

I wish I wasn't so different.

I need something that sticks.

Please find me.

Many Thanks,

- A lost soul.

I wont give up

2012-01-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I love this song <3

who will love the girl

2012-01-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't fallen in love yet. I'm only twenty-three, still a baby, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it so badly.

Believe it when it's said, I'm not desperate nor do I need a boyfriend. Believe it when it's said, I just want to know what it feels like, to have someone with whom you can be 100% yourself, that will love all your flaws as you love his.

You see i am a sucker for books, and sappy stories, though I do not like showing it. Both happy endings and tragic endings appeal to me because the characters in stories always feel something nonetheless. Dreaming is all I have ever known.

yeah i wanna be loved for no other reason at all except that i am, all my quirks and my wrongs and my insecurities. all my passions, my better habits and my abilities.

So I'm terrified that I'll be one of those girls who never falls in love because it hasn't happened yet. I'm also terrified that I'll be one of those girls who falls for anyone just to see if love could be found there.

Who will love the girl who loves getting lost in a book,
chasing those fantasies that only exist in her mind?

Who will love the girl who gets lost is her train of thoughts and will never be able to tell you why she got lost in the first place?

Who will love the girl who yearns for those midnight talks about life and what it has to bring?

Who will love the girl?

I know that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. Younger, older, wiser: there are many of us. It's a scary concept, love, but I still want to feel it.

i dont know

2011-12-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you.

I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. In no time we had become each other’s friends when we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you....

-J

letter to myself

2011-11-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

Jeru,
It's been awhile since the two of us have really sat down and had a chat. you have been a bit in the dumps lately about where you are in your life, your eight year old self pictured you differently at this age, and now you feel like you've let yourself including everyone else down. Living isn't as easy as it looks, isn't as easy as everyone makes it seem, there are things that no one truly warns you about, like how bad it hurts when the one who promised you forever leaves, how believing in yourself isn't some great epiphany like it seems, it comes in portions, little by little and day by day, and that making something of yourself is harder doing than dreaming. There have been more downs than ups and you've felt like giving up more times than there are stars. You feel broken, feel like life's kicked you in the stomach while you were down. And as much as you read pages and pages of ways to make it better, ways to pick yourself up out of that slump and move on, it seems impossible. You can't get to the finish line, when you don't even know where start is.

What I want you to know, why I'm writing you, is because I know that as "cliche" as this is going to sound to you, that you have it in you. You always have. There are better days to come. I know it, because I've heard it when you laugh, startled every time, by the sound of your own laughter, as if hope were ringing in your ears. There's more to this life than comparing where you're at to where everyone else is, to the hurt you've been put through. There's more to life than the bad. And I know it cause we're in this together, I've heard it in the bells of the cathedrals, seen it in the nick of your smile, and felt it, those few times you let your guard down.

As much as you're hoping something or someone is gonna pop out of the mist and make things better, it's not. You gotta help yourself, because you are your own heroine, your best friend and only confidante, and only you can get yourself through this, but I promise I'll be there on the way when you feel like opting out. When you feel like taking two steps back instead of two steps forward. I'm not promising that there is not going to be any more pain, because I'm sure there will be loads of it, I'm sure that tomorrow you might wake up with every intention of making your life a better place for both you and everyone residing in it, but you'll stay stuck in your slump anyways. What I'm telling you, is that I'm here, and I'm ready to go through this with you, through heartaches and headaches.

That I'm ready when you are.

-J

let go

2011-10-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this letter to tell you goodbye. I will never give this to you, but this is something I need to do for myself. After all this time, I’m letting go. You let go a long time ago, and I realize that it is time for me to do the same. I’m letting go of everything I thought that we would become. I’m letting go of thinking of you every single day, more than once. I’m letting go of secretly hoping that we will one day end up together. I’m letting go of waiting. I have realized once and for all that I am not meant to be with you.

You know how much I cared about you, so I will not go into that in this letter. I have told you how I feel about you for years. I allowed you into the deepest part of my heart. I allowed you to know me better than I knew myself, and for that I am extremely regretful. I have learned that no girl should ever open up as far as I opened up to you. Nothing is forever, and there is no reason to be so vulnerable. I gave you parts of myself that have taken many months to get back. I put you above myself…something that I will never do again for the rest of my life.

I look back on our relationship and sometimes find myself wishing that it never happened. I’m not sure if I actually mean that, because, after all, everyone says it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I’m not so sure though, because you hurt me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I loved you with every single part of me. And when we were over, I felt as if I had lost all of those thousands of parts. You left me broken... I still feel broken sometimes. Maybe we went wrong because of the timing. Maybe it’s because we were still growing into ourselves, although I guess there is no use in speculating why things worked out the way they did. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.

I want you to know I think you are an amazing person. I don’t blame you for the way you hurt me. I recognize that was not your intention. I know you will do great things in life, and you deserve every inch of it. God has taught me so much about myself this past year. In hindsight, I consider our break up a blessing. But, despite the fact that I have been growing a lot, I still have a lot of healing to do. In order to do that, I need to tell you goodbye. Because every time I make the decision to be your friend, I fall harder. I have learned that the way I care about you is much deeper than your present feelings for me, and I can’t truly move on until I cut you out of my life completely. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. This is something I have to do for me, in order to love myself again, and someone else. Thank you for everything you have taught me. It’s been a long, crazy ride...goodbye

feelings

2011-10-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

I thought I knew how it felt. I thought I had memorized the feeling of not being happy, of wanting more, of being ajar. I thought I had settled for this second skin; the acceptance that sometimes it just isn’t a choice. It is a luxury to be able to feel what you wish to feel, and more often than not, life cannot afford such ease.

The problem with being a dreamer, a writer, is not that they feel more than everyone else. It is that they cannot escape from it. All the pain, ache and explosions,- others can dismiss as merely a feeling that cannot be contained. But for us, there are endless words to describe the way we feel, to actualize the feeling, to give it existence, to gravitate them. The irresistible impulse to label everything, to get to the bottom of every unexplainable feeling is crippling. Everywhere that you try to escape to, is aesthetically numb. Even when you do not see what reminds you of it, words are running madness inside your head.

This is about struggling every day to stay afloat. This is about my greatest love story. I thought I knew how it felt. Heartstrings are broken whenever I think to myself, we may be so right for each other, but there will never be a way to find out. The problem with being a dreamer, is that I feel too much for my own good. When I think about us, I feel dismantled, familiar, damaged and every imaginable adjective in between. There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with.

The idea of being happy is extraordinary. Sometimes I dream of not feeling. Of just existing. Of not being physically able to hurt inside. I did not choose to be a person that feels too much, or someone that is compelled to write word after word after word. I thought I knew how it felt, how everything is, how people are, but I cannot will my heart to think the same.

i have faith

2011-09-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I decided that I needed to start over; I needed to leave things behind... take new risks...

It's different than what I'm used to.

I could go into the past and talk about all my ups and downs, the highs and the seriously low lows. But now...all of that feels irrelevant. I feel like I can be someone better.

Some things still pinch inside, some memories still make me laugh a little. I still remember some friends, I still dream of some lovers. I have made several mistakes, and many times wished I could turn back time.

But I'm starting to realize that that's ok. It's those little qualities that make us who we are. As for the experiences, they make us stronger and we should never have regret.

Sometimes I wonder if I was born to accomplish bigger and better things.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever lowered my own standards just to meet someone else's.

I truly believe that true, real, unconditional love exists. I know it's there because I've felt it.

I hope you know that you're stronger than the one who hurt you; you're happiness doesn't depend on them.

You are limitless. You are free.

Take a risk to do something you're passionate about, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.

I've left every single thing behind me, and here I am, starting over...I don't know how long it may be before I find what I am looking for, but I have faith that someday I will find it.

And you will too. I promise.

-J

submission

2011-08-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

.......I abide in the presence of a King.......

One whose beauty and devotion is unfathomable to even the wisest of men. One who is there even in my most unfortunate of times, one who sees merit in my imperfections, and promise where despair dwells. I serve He who is greater than I, He who is greater than any. As I fall to my knees in reverence, He lifts me upright, my Messiah, my Redeemer... my Beloved. I am shown each day the glorious plans you've set aside for me, Oh Lord I pray that I am adamant, and continuous in your word, in this life. For this world is fleeting, as is all that resides. I grovel at the feet of my King, surrender all that I am, and all that I hunger. Make me like you oh King of Kings.

-J

lets play pretend

2011-08-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

((meant to be read while listening to Pretend by Lights))
Today, I want to be nine again. I want to live life without consequence, live life in utter fulfillment.
I want to play in the rain, laugh at the silliest of things, and color outside the lines.
I want a milk mustache, a chocolate one preferably, I want to hula hoop until my legs fall off, and run barefoot through the leafy green grass.

Ah, to be nine again. To let loose, minus the insecurities, to fall in love with the boy who eats the sandbox sand, the one who likes the way the glue feels peeling off the tips of his fingers, and is king of the tether ball court.
To be friends again, and not cliques.
To jump rope, to hand ball, and giggling at the boys and their cooties, to overcoming hopscotch and your ultimate fear of dodge ball.
To come home to moms homemade "pasghetti"
To cartoons and clouds, endless adventure and curiosity
To club houses and blanket forts made out of chairs, brooms and vacuums
To Easter Egg Hunts and eating at the kids table, to tree climbing
To losing and winning, laughing and crying and to mom who made it all better with a kiss.

....To be nine again....

burn

2011-07-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Of all the fire in the skies...the supernova blast
The searing tails of comets, and the sun’s ferocious mass
The blue, the red, the flaming stars—shadowed on the moon
The galaxies ablaze can’t measure how I burn for you.

I want the...

2011-07-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Open the door for me kind of love

I want the stay up until four am on the phone listening to each other breathe kind of love
The playing footsies under the table kind of love
The "Did he touch my hand on purpose or on accident?" kind of love

A can I hold your hand kind of love
The butterflies in my stomach kind of love
A let's pray together kind of love

The kind of love where you ask to kiss me
A meet the parents kind of love
And a "I hope my mom loves him as much as I do" kind of love

That kind
Where we wait until marriage.

Despite our pasts

The old and brittle rocking chair kind of love

An innocent kind of love

Because this love will never end...

waiting

2011-07-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.

But....sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience.

I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.

reaching in the dark

2011-06-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

LOVE....it's so strange... and yes, I know it's not the first time this has been discussed. and this one, when it really comes down to it, will be no different from the others. but its another one of those times when this little part of my life, that I have controlled so it won’t consume me, starts bubbling up again. I don’t know why, little things start it, get me thinking again.

it fascinates me...yet it is foreign to me. its like imagining what it would feel like to be weightless in a rocketship on its way to the moon. unfathomable until you actually experience it. and, for one reason or another, it seems as though I am not cut out to be an astronaut.

I don’t know. I really don’t know, as I’ve said a thousand times before and will probably continue saying until I get my answer - if I get an answer. sometimes it seems as though i'm reaching in the dark, for something i know must be there but its just so hard to find.

I still hold on to a tiny thread of hope that one day it’ll hit me over the head and I’ll just stand there baffled and realize I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for, for as long as I can remember. but I also keep my head just below the clouds because the only thing worse for me than never finding what you’ve been looking for would be to constantly wait for it when it never comes.

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.

- J

loving the unlovable

2011-05-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about my past lately... how I've changed, matured, grown...i used to be really different than who i am now.

a lot of people view me in so many different ways. its weird and it kind of freaks me out. to some people, i am a rebel (hilarious!). to some, i am a saint (also hilarious!). to some, I'm just weird. and that's cool. and the perceptions people have are just funny to me.

I am really simple. I know I've made mistakes, (really big ones), wrong decisions... things that could make me the most unlovable human being on the face of the earth. but...not for God. God has loved me in my darkest hour.

i really believe in love. i believe it is supposed to be freely given, and i believe that it changes the world. it has changed everything about my life. if we could understand real genuine love, the love that God has for us, our lives would never be the same.

God is love. God is love in all forms.

Love believed in me. Love believes in me.

Love sees me for who I am meant to be, not for i am.

Love doesnt look at my mistakes.

Love looks at me with love and concern, not anger and dissapointment.

Love is not disappinted in me.

Love is glad i am alive.

Love has never and will never forsake me.

Love is patient with me.

God is love.

please dont give up on God. He will not give up on you.

Paul sums it up best when he says that God sent his son for us while we were of no use to him. Before we loved God, he didn't HESITATE to give his best for us, for the chance to let him love you and for you to love him back.

Whatever you believe, just know you are not alone. Love will see you through.

I thank God from the bottom of my heart for loving me when i did not deserve love.

believe.

L O V E

N E V E R

F A I L S

:)

oh.

2011-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Its raining. Its late.... and like always there's a lot on my mind. It amazes me sometimes the amount of thoughts and questions can fly through my mind in a split second. why do i analyze everything to death? Is that normal? but then again...who is?
...questions...questions...questions...

What will happen now?
Does he like me?
How much does he like me?
Wow, there's so many things I still don't know about him.
Will he hurt me?
Will he say things that makes me cry?
Was it something I said?
Is there anything I could do to make him happier?
If I stay now, will he take me in his arms if I get sad?
If I go now, will he call me tomorrow?
Gosh, WHY do I have to be so emotional?
Does he think I'm too sensitive?
Are things going so fast?
Wait - it was "so fast", not "too fast", right? I can't remember. Whats the difference?
What does he want me to say when he tells me that?
Is he as scared of all those feelings as I am?

I wish I was a mindreader.

my thoughts

2011-04-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

My eyes start to water from the semi blinding vibrant light shining through the bulbs of my ceiling fan. I look away and close my eyes to see what type of picture might form if I close them tight enough. The outline of the bulbs resembles an animal, or a distorted smiley face, or even a butterfly. I'm not certain, the size keeps changing. I quickly open my eyes and the white shapes start to fade. I turn on my side restlessly, in hopes that I'll find more comfort in that position and might be able to fall asleep. Unfortunately, no matter which way I might lay, sleep is ultimately unattainable.

You see, my body is utterly exhausted but my mind never rests. My thoughts keep me up at night, they strangle any possibility of assurance, equanimity, or peace. They walk me through the repetitive occurrences of my day, week, and hidden conflicts within myself. Every conversation, situation, and circumstance is replayed in my mind, only to make me question my own judgment and social abilities. Sometimes, I'm very constructive in my reasoning and encouraging depending on the situation but other times I'm my worst critic. In all honesty, I do very little to try and prevent these these thoughts from strangling my much desired dreams. I only encourage them by giving unnecessary attention to the seeds of doubt, worry, and insecurity that take deep root in my mind and are ultimately responsible for my lack of sleep.

Ah yes, it is not my thoughts that kill my peace, but it is my free will that destroys it.

The battlefield of the Human Mind.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" -2 Corinthians 10:3-5, NIV

my guarded heart

2011-04-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

"My heart is guarded. Only one person has the key"

I close my eyes, and try to image what my guarded heart would look like. My first thought, are these huge white walls, very similar to drywall, with no ending point. They are roughly 8 feet wide and are connected at each corner to take on the shape of a pentagon. The look of it is sturdy, but with the right amount of applied force, the thin plaster layering, can be penetrated. These walls are flawed, and will not do. If I were to settle with this type of protection, it would only be a matter of time before a boy with eloquent words and charm might discover the obvious weakness and have found his way closest to my heart. Only to mistreat it of course, on account of how easy it was to obtain. My weaknesses will be apparent to him, due to how close he was able to come in such a short amount of time. In moments of vulnerability he'll point them out to maintain control and take up ownership of my heart in the process. When he is done and has had his fill, he'll leave. Only to puncture another whole in my false sense of security I once called a wall. Leaving the treasure that was at one time inside, shattered, beyond repair of human hands, bleeding from wounds of rejection, insecurity, self hatred, depression, and inadequacy. Oh, this wall will not do. It may have sustained my heart for a short time in my younger years, but the durability needs to be solid and fortified, in order to contain this restored heart of mine.

Let me close my eyes, once again, and rethink this.

This time, there is not one wall, but multiple walls built of dense metals, welded together with only the finest craftsmanship. I take a closer look and notice the shape of the walls have changed. They no longer are in the form of a pentagon, but have now taken up the appearance of a sphere. With each layered wall there is an actual place of entry, unlike the previous one, allowing access closer to the heart but at a cost. The cost for entry is labeled above each door with the titles of friendship, trust, loyalty, commitment, covenant, Christ, love, and other key terms the foundation for a relationship is built upon. With each door that is passed through, entry for the next becomes harder. Unlike before, it's something to be work towards and not taken for granted. Access is not allowed by force but by patience and understanding. Mind you, character and integrity will be checked at every door, just to test the intentions of the seeker. Only one truly after my heart, not selfish emotions or desires, will get close enough to hear it beat.

I'm very fond of these walls. They're much better then the one built before it.
I would hope the one seeking after mine would have similar standards for his heart.

Considering only a Prince marries a Princess
And a King marries a Queen.

Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.

take a right on the corner of wrong

2011-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

"Tainted wealth has no lasting value, but right living can save your life." (Proverbs 10:2 NLT)

Why is it so hard to do what's right? Have you ever thought about that?

It's so easy to pass up an opportunity to help someone, because we don't want to get involved. Or maybe we secretly don't want to be the goody-two shoes person.

Why do we talk behind people's backs when Jesus died for them also?

How could a person go to the length of hurting a child or killing someone?

The answer to these questions are quite simple to say, but difficult to understand: we live in a sinful world.

The truth is; this present world belongs to Satan. We're all under this curse, but there is work that can be done on the inside of this prison.

We need to make a conscious decision to do what's right. We have all made some bad choices, but when an opportunity of righteousness appears, we need to take it.

We are tempted, presented with choices and opportunities, every day. God doesn't tempt us; we are pulled down by our own selfish desires (James 1:13-15). We have to make a deliberate effort to do what's right. Not because we'll get something out of it (although God does reward us). We do it because it's the right thing to do.

So when you're about to cross Wrong Street, take a right instead....

reserving a space in my heart

2011-03-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

One day...I will stumble across that person who will somehow make my world magic again. Just by looking at me he'll put a hundred different feelings in my body and my head will go completely blank when he smiles. My heart will skip a beat from the slightest sound of my phone, and everything I do when he's not around will be colored by his absence.

I will meet someone who doesn't have that need of playing games and instead of following all kinds of rules, simply follows his heart. Someone who makes me wanna look past all the times I've been hurt and feel like it's actually worth risking everything again. Someone who makes me wanna fight my fears of opening up so I can let him in, because the thought of him not knowing me completely is far worse than my fear of rejection.

He will sigh at my stupid jokes and the way I tend to forget stuff and mess everything up, but deep down he'll love it because love's not about accepting each others flaws, it's about loving them because they make us who we are. I will find somebody for whom I am prepared to show not just the strong, independent side of me that the rest of the world know, but also the insecurities that make me wake up in the middle in the night crying because I'm sick of hurting.

I have no need for a fairytale prince who lifts me up on his white horse and saves me. But he will love me, in a way no one has ever done before, and together we will get struck by love so hard that nothing will ever be the same again. You see, I know he's out there and I won't stop until I find him. Cause I deserve nothing less than to love someone who loves me back and this I know. So there's really no need for you to worry. He could be right around the corner when I walk out this door today.

my hope is found

2010-10-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

As I’m so often reminded what a priceless gift my life is, I ache with everything in me to make it count, so that when I finally cross the finish line, I’ll hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

To me, there is no greater reward.

Of course, all of this weighs heavily on the spiritual scale, so allow me to be completely honest, and say none of it is intended to be “crammed down the throat,” if you will. That is not my intention. This is what I wholeheartedly believe, and to that belief, I remain steadfast until He returns or calls me home.

"No guilt in life, no fear in death
 This is the power of Christ in me 
From life’s first cry to final breath 
Jesus commands my destiny 
No power of hell, no scheme of man 
Can ever pluck me from His hand
 Till He returns or calls me home 
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand"

I love this song... the way the melodies and lyrics swirl together is so poignant and beautiful. If I were to count on one hand, the number of songs that have ever deeply moved me, this one would take the cake. (song: in Christ alone, written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townsend)

love

2010-10-20T16:05:00.001-07:00

I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. But we say them anyway, because you know. You know, more than anyone what they mean.

You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel.

But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel...

love takes risk

2010-07-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

So many people dislike fairy tales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realize that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love.

So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?

I know it’s hard to put your guard down and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it. We tend to distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately saves us from hurting?

It doesn’t.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you.

hopelessly in love

2010-07-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

Everything looks worthless
Everything is tasteless without you
When life was black and white
You made it colorful and true
Everything's confusing
And I can't seem to make it through
Because I'm hopeless
Hopelessly in love with you.

fun deserves to be had :)

2010-06-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Oh hi.
I may need to hire a prison warden or perhaps a ferocious professional wrestler with a great resume and a long brutal history of showing no mercy, someone to stand guard outside my front door and make certain that I get lots of things done.

In beautiful leafy green Costa Rica, the weather couldn’t possibly be nicer, it’s ALWAYS tremendously nice outside, and thus, as a result I am far more distracted than usual.

Bikes deserve to be ridden, beaches deserve to be sprawled upon, pizza deserves to be eaten and sauce spilled everywhere, vacations deserve to be taken, next door neighbours’ kiddy pools deserve to be swum in. Taco Bell deserves to be visited on a regular basis. Frozen french fries deserve to be cooked in the oven and irresponsibly burned to death. Summer deserves to be fun. And fun deserves to be had.

It rained today. I love the way the air smells right after it rains. I don’t love running around with bare feet outside and stepping on the occasional hapless and ill-fated earthworm, but as unfortunate as it is, accidents *do* happen. I am not a malicious girl but my goodness, shouldn’t night crawlers be tucked into bed during the day with their little sleeping caps on their little heads? What is it with worms and driveways anyway?

Anyways, summer has finally arrived and I couldn’t not be a happier camper. Ironically, one of the many things on my list of lengthy things to accomplish over the next few months involves pitching a tent somewhere in the beautiful northern costa rican beaches, but that comes later. I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.

letting go takes love

2010-05-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short...

Smile

2010-04-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

The words I wanna say
Linger at the tip of my tongue
And leave a taste in my mouth
Of bitter sweet nostalgia

Maybe it's because you take my breath away
Along with all the words I've wanted to say

You
Make
Me
Smile

"A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home"

the universe hates me, and everything has fallen to pieces

2010-04-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

I think it’s really easy to fall into this mindset.

I won’t speak on behalf of everyone, but I’m definitely prone to it. I will often look at my schedule, work load, and assignments while thinking to myself, “Why has this unfortunate to-do list fallen upon me, of all people? Woe is me! What turmoil! What cruel fate!”

Anyway, who wants to be accused of self-pitty? I can always find a way of justifying my complaints as I see myself as less of a wollower and more of a martyr. It’s a terrible habbit, but there’s always the sickeningly sweet allure of percieving one’s life as more difficult (and inadvertantly more important) than the rest of the world’s. My problems are bigger than yours, and all that.

Generally speaking I need to have more faith; in myself, in God, in my loved ones and so on. I need to objectively look at my life and take deeper breaths. Everything happens for a reason and I believe that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this very instant.

I’m near sighted in life. I get caught up on all of the instant happenings and the immediate gradifications and dissapointments without any regard to the proverbial “long haul”. I’ve got to remember that life isn’t a single exposure; it’s pages and pages of contact sheets with works of art and complete disasters. There’s a bigger picture, punctuated by moments, for better or worse. The universe doesn’t hate me. The planets haven’t aligned in a Caesar-esque plot against me. Time will move on without any regard to how I’d like to spend it. Things will move on and in most cases, it’ll be for the better.

This is the part where I exhale that deep breath.

I blame my heart

2010-04-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

i fear that I'm afraid of feeling anything outside of what I've known for the past years.

In the past,
I've kept friendships minimal
to avoid feeling what it was like to lose someone I cared about

I've avoided social gatherings
to escape the feeling of being alone in a crowded room.

I've avoided relationships
because I remember how bad it hurts to give my heart away.

When any of these feelings start to become more of a possibility
I lose my grip, my footing, and my confidence in my complacency.

I'm afraid to feel more than I have felt.

I don't want to hurt
but I'd rather feel something than nothing at all.

I believe there's more to grasp than the grip.

and I can't escape or avoid how I feel right now.

I blame my heart.

"The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith" -1 Timothy 1:5

my purpose

2010-04-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

I worry about what i cant control and desperately try and control what i can.
But i cant.

It's like worrying if the sun will rise tomorrow.
even in a storm.
it shines above the clouds
rises and falls.

But not because of my worry.

but because of it's purpose.

i'm not the sun.
i'm not the one who controls it.
i'm just the one who benefits from its purpose.

My worrying is a distraction from my purpose.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
-Philippians 4:6

stand together

2010-04-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

so recently in Uni I was asked.... What type (denomination) of christian are you?
and i though: ummmm... A human type of Christian?

I don't really see the point of labels. I know, I know, that sounds like a typical deflection. Really though, I don't see the point.

When people ask "what denomination are you?" 9 times out of 10, it isn't asked out of genuine curiosity. In most cases, it's asked to see if the person in question is the same denomination as the person asking. A lot of people are too ashamed to admit to thinking like this, but in their heart of hearts, it's at the core of why they're asking.

When someone does this, I think it's means for them to side with others from their denomination. It's a process that's full of harmful generalizations.

Take for instance, if Person A finds out that Person B is of a different denomination there is, generally speaking, a feeling of mistrust, superiority and uncertainty about them comes up. And why is this? It's based on whatever preconceptions exist about that different denomination and has no actual basis on the person behind the denomination. However, if Person A finds that Person B is of the -same- denomination as themselves they immediately, generally speaking, assume that they can put confidence and trust in Person B, using the same assumptions they used before, judging Person B's character solely based on their denomination. It's just as bad.

I feel like this is detrimental to us as Christians. We shouldn't be divided and harbor suspicion/distrust/preconception of those that are different than ourselves.

Instead of standing on different sides, we should be standing with each other, united as the children of God.

sisters

2010-04-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

I spend too much time writing about my sister. Every word though, gets lost. Sucked back into the cavern that I am trying to write about.

That is the problem about writing an absence. The nothingness consumes the words.

My sister and I are not close.
There is one of my secrets, touch it gently.

So many siblings, are so close, so much loyalty, and shared secrets.

There is so little shared between the two of us that in its minimalism it becomes domineering. Overwhelming.

Please understand we are not antagonistic. We are perfectly, blandly, devastatingly congenial. We can sit and watch Friends, and laugh together. We can go grocery shopping together in our sweatpants and feel the same embarrassment when we run into a handsome guy.

We are bound by blood. There is an inherent loyalty. But there is no reason, no relationship, no other support for the loyalty. It just floats there, disembodied. We don't trust each other.

I have put you outside of my life. And you have disappeared into yours.

This is our mystery.
My mystery. I try to solve it, with my clumsy words. But I am no scientist... and you are foreign to me.

I do love you, my sister. I love you as my sister, I love in that whole
sense. I will always love you.

blind

2010-03-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like im walking without seeing,
Breathing without believing
each breath that i take
wont be my last
chance to change

who I am.

I walk blindly in a comatose state of complacency.

My vision is impaired by the hands that I place in front of each eye
preventing them from seeing today's challenge and tomorrows victory.

"Light a way, on my love.
Light a way, from above.
Shine it down, lead me home,
Back to him."

Am I merely living without truly grasping the life that's in front of me?

Psalm 119:174-176

I want to love like this

2010-01-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (The Message)

I want to love like this.

if nothing ever changed...there'd be no butterflies

2009-12-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

change is always an interesting subject. People either are challenged by it... or bothered by it. So many changes have gone on lately... I guess I've stopped being bothered by it... (It stopped bothering me a LONG time ago)

I decided that I would let myself be challenged by it. Live the moment. I know that no matter what happens, my future will hold more and more experiences that are worth living for. God wants to walk along side us, every step of the way, and slowly change us, until we live up to our full potential.
Change might be hard. But it is essential.

Keep Going!!!

and i love you

2009-11-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

I've always felt as my goal and desire in life, to love others unconditionally and pour out whatever i have to offer, to give everything. I believe that Jesus once spoke a message that wasn’t about becoming king, or taking over the Jewish temple, or being powerful in politics or business but one of Love that was simple and spoke to every heart in that day and ours. Its not by formula or tradition or religion but by Love alone that we find our existence. To Love... We are quick to make Jesus' message a lot of things, like religion or tradition but we often look past the simple truth of Love and how that truly was his message....

i just went to grab my headphones from my bag and had to spend a couple minutes trying to unravel and untangle them when only 15 minutes ago i nicely wrapped them up and neatly put them away. why is it something so simple and nicely prepared can so easily become entangled and simply frustrating. I think this is like Jesus' message. What was so simply prepared and wrapped nicely for us we have taken and made a mess. Now we must untangle and unravel to get back to the simple straight truth. LOVE. Why do we make it so many other things? Why are we so quick to judge, hate, condemn, and curse, and so slow to Love? I hope I can speak Love to everyone i meet no matter who or where or what you do.

I want my life to be a reflection of His love…

Gossip...

2009-11-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

Unjustified validity of opinion

Shh.

Seek truth. Not opinion.
In its rawest form.

The difference: Emotion versus Reality.

My source.
God.

Be built on truth. Not opinion.

Overcome.

moving on

2009-10-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I.... I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you, to kiss you and run my fingers through your hair; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

and so, Im moving on... as hard as it is... im moving on...

my tolerance...

2009-10-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

...For the intellectual ineptitude or general apathy of others is wearing increasingly thin...

Dare to be exceptional. Aspire for change and embrace the uncomfortable. Be somebody, even if it means simply being somebody for yourself. Take what you deserve and give what you've got to offer.

Don't just let life happen to you; live it.

"Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be."

addicted...

2009-09-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

...to love songs

For a good while now, at least.

Not necessarily love songs about being in love, and maybe some of the songs aren't even about love, but I can see it. Songs capturing the things that go along with it.

The anxiousness of leaping, the hope, the insecurity of losing, the fear, the longing, the wondering, the readiness, being unprepared, the wholeness. I dunno, it's just that in every song I've wanted to play more than once, I can see it.

Maybe I'm naive, but I think that's why there's so many songs for me to hear; everyone is trying to make sense of something so abstract.

...then, I sigh and hit repeat. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

take my heart

2009-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

I hate the vulnerability that comes with relying on other people. At work, school, whatever, I just don't like for there to be any space for me to get hurt/fail/etc.

Also, I wear my heart on my sleeve. A lot of people do not follow this philosophy. I know this, and yet I'm always surprised when people don't show the same amount of emotion in a situation that I do. The whole notion of playing coy, putting walls up to protect oneself.... i hate that....

Usually when someone acts like this, I turn from wearing my heart on my sleeve to being extremely defensive, I figure, "Well, if they aren't as honest as I am, I don't have anything to do with them anymore." I know that's not right, and I know this is all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But it's easier, you know?

That's kind of my cycle: put in everything I have, all my heart, and if I don't get that in return, than I don't need anybody.

That's pathetic, isn't it? I hope this makes sense, and if not, that's okay too. It was more a therapeutic rant than any significant moment of story telling.

here i am

2009-09-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

I keep expecting all areas of my life to miraculously get easier with the more introspective I get; the more I reflect, the more I live through things, the more I experience. I keep planting my mental and emotional feet into the ground, hoping that my feet will go deep enough so that nothing will ever be able to knock me over again.

The scary reality is this: it will never be easy again. If anything, thing swill continue to complicate themselves with time.

Lately, there is so many people running around me losing their minds that I feel so much pressure to keep my sanity, or we're all going to be hauled away by the whitecoats. :(

I think it's okay, though...

I'm here talking to you... assuming that you've kept reading. I'm still waking up in the mornings. I'm still loving and hurting and aching and singing. I'm still breathing.

And I'm still here for you if you need me. :)

He is the silence

2009-08-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

God is moving in a big way... and I've been learning to listen to what God is saying in the silence.

So as I was running back through many questions, God began to heal the pain and answering those questions. He began to talk to me about how He has been around the whole time. He showed me that He is not (in my situation) in the wind or in the fire, but rather, in the gentle whisper that can only be heard in the silence. Like Elijah, in this case, fits right in.

1Kings 19: 11 "The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 "

Sometimes, I have felt like I'm missing out, but I was only missing out because I was not willing to find God in all ways. He has shown me the fire and the wind, and now wants me to focus on the silence. It takes a certain discipline to be in this place, discipline for me. I love to talk and witness the miracles and wonders. But it is time for me to see another side of His character.

I now understand intimacy, when He doesn't have to shout at me or flag me down in order for me to understand or hear. But rather, to simply be silent and listen. He is in that silence and will respond. That is how simple He is, how gently and kindly he treats His children. One does not need to see fire fall from the sky to experience the whole being of our Father (although it is really nice and not mention pretty awesome). So, here is where I am at.

Hearing and listening in the silence to see where He wants me next. I find joy and comfort knowing that He is here, He is the silence, and He is in control. I hope that you sit for a while today and enjoy the gentle and soothing whisper of our God.

:)

to all my friends

2009-08-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

many of us have friendships that, sadly, aren't present in our physical lives. Why are the so important? Why do they mean so much to me?

We have these friendships because we can't take them for granted. In your physical, "real" life, somebody can be there at almost any time. They're a phone call away, or just a 15 minute drive away. The friendship is existent without any obstacles to challenge it, or test it. You don't have to worry about the next time you'll see them again, because you know that they aren't that far.

With the amazing people we've met across the country, or around the world... We have to fight for these friendships. Time zones, deserts and oceans keep us all apart from each other. Sometimes, all you can do is type in a username and a password and pray that somebody will be there when you are. So much stands in the way of our friendships and relationships, whether it be the physical obstacles or cultural and societal standards telling us that we should not be making these friends.

To fight for somebody like this, to consistently work past all of the things that could easily keep people apart, will build these totally unique and significant relationships. We make these friends because we work so hard to keep them in our lives, to learn more about them, to care about them and even love them.

We recognize all of the simple opportunities we'll miss. We can't live close to eachother, we can't wave from across the street, we can't plan a trip to the bakery, we honestly cant even have a day of sitting around doing nothing.

So we don't waste the time we have. We can't waste it.

And that's why our friendship means so much.

awesome weekend!!!

2009-07-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

we got our first bus-load of kids!!! YAY! we brought them in from Guarari (a really poor neighborhood in the area). they were sooooo psyk'd 2 be there! we gave them breakfast and then had an awesome program! Im excited! I just loooooooooooove my job!

only downer is I have a nasty cold!!! yuck! i wish i could just snap my fingers and ((POOF)) away with the horrible cold!

If only I had magical powers! (boo)

love you all!!!!!

I am happy that you are happy :]

2009-07-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

Human beings are weird. There is no way around it. Our hearts and minds and souls and mouths make things that are so complicated and bizarre and beautiful and ugly loving and hateful and strong and proud and weak and shy and a whole mess of other things.

We are a paradox; both infinitely difficult to understand and yet blatantly simple to comprehend at the same time.

But let's get down to proverbial business.

Specifically, I'm addressing the idea of happiness. To be more specific in my specificity, I am specifically talking about our capacity (or lack thereof) to feel happy for one another. Because as human beings, we rock at empathy.

Main Entry:
em·pa·thy
Pronunciation:
\ˈem-pə-thē\
Function:
noun
1: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

In more simple terms, empathy is the ability to project someone's emotions unto oneself to "feel" what they feel.

I say we "rock" at it because most speculate that human beings are the only creatures on God's green earth that really exhibit empathy. It is also speculated that our empathy for each other is what gives us our unique sentience that separates us from the other life forms on this planet. For example, in the animal kingdom, it's survival of the fittest. If you're sick and gangly and weak, your animal butt is going to be eaten by a lion. The lion is not going to look at you and say "aw, poor little guy. I know where he's coming from". He's going to eat you. Possibly with A-1 sauce. Nothing empathetic about it.

So that's why we rock. We're the only things on this planet that know what empathy is.

But we also really suck at it.

And this is why we are weird. Sometimes, we struggle with being happy for each other so much. Usually, it's because of our own insecurities, I'd say. In fact, a lot of us only want to hear about the good things happening in other people's lives if we have good things happening to ourselves that we can brag about, too.

It might not be something you ever thought about, but it's there in a lot of us. The unwillingness to be happy for others unless we are personally happy.

So in my efforts to being a better person, that I am sincerely trying to be lately, this is something I recognize that I want to work on. To be authentically happy for the joy and life experiences of others. I'm trying not to get caught up in jealousy, or insecurity or general bitterness. I want to feel stoked for you! I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, about your happiness and blessings and good fortune.

And I promise, I will do what I can to be happy for you, too.

2009-07-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

Im really excited today! I like how weather can do that. (and also the expectation of Craig and Abby visiting me... in ONLY 4 months!!!) It was the first proper warm and sunny day we had in a LONG time.
I feel so much better walking around in a t-shirt rather than a sweater.
Some people in the Uni are really gorgeous.
Wouldn't it be cool if you were single, you had a green light and if you walked past someone and you were both interested there was a beep and then you would automatically get their number stored in your.... oh
you guys aren't robots like me. :[
BUT YEAH.. theres so many times i walk past someone and smile at them and they smile back and then we keep walking and im like 0.0 BUT I LOVE YOU. ((lol))

ANYWAY, I hope you are having an amazing day!!! I love you all ^-^

2009-06-22T09:23:00.001-07:00

so i've been learning a lot lately, its been prettttty great.

this is really cool:
"my dear children, lets not just talk about love; lets practice real love. this is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality.---- It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.-- And friends, once that’s taken care of and we're no loner accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!" 1 john 3:18,19

its so freaking encouraging to know that to God, our identity is not found in our mistakes and our failures. being human we tend to notice the terrible that we've done and make it hard on ourselves to move on. our identity often is rooted in our mistakes. but with god, not so at all!! to Him we are dearly loved. our mistakes are there of course, but He isn’t disappointed IN us when we mess up… He is disappointed FOR US. because His 'commandments' are for OUR own good, as his dearly BELOVED children. He doesn’t want to see us mess up because he wants us to have his abundant life. a good life. a life of love. knowing in the depths of who we are that we are his beloved.

that is so hardcore!!

no matter what we've done or even are doing currently, God is there and still calls you his beloved. if the God of all looks at you and sees you as His chosen person, then who are we to say: “no God, you cant use me because i ________________.” no! we are HIS. be used by God. when you sin, know that NOTHING you do can make Him love you ANY LESS.

be bold and free before God.
:)